Websites providing information on victims and survivors of the Asian earthquake and tsunami.

Websites providing information on victims and survivors of the Asian earthquake and tsunami.

http://tsunamihelp.blogspot.com/
A detailed blog that offers list of aid agen cies responding to the disaster, how to donate, and a list of contact numbers for emergency services in each country.

http://www.lankapage.com/
A site for Sri Lankan expats that details the situation in Sri Lanka.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/talking_point/4130565.stm
Many postings from people looking for loved ones.

http://www.disaster.go.th/
Mostly in Thai, but has English link to a regularly updated list of hospital patients.

http://www.p-h-u-k-e-t.com/forum
Messages from Scandinavians looking for relatives dominate this site but it has a section devoted to Australians.

http://2bangkok.com/quakes.shtml
Regularly updated mix of local news reports and Thai Government information.

disturbing comments

Disturbing Comment of the Week #1
Attending a presentation from an external company who are trying to get their feet in the door of the corporation I work for, I was called upon to explain how we were currently delivering some of our eLearning training content.

The demo was good but nothing we haven't seen before, which I explained and went on to say that this type of training (completely flash based), was quite time-consuming to produce and complex. In our industry, fast turnaround is essential; from product conception to engaging training resources to design and development and ultimately to rollout across the business can take a matter of days to weeks depending on the circumstances. In general, I only produce a full flash module for training that is long-term, not going to change much in the near future or can really benefit from the creation of a fully self-contained user-experience.

External companies usually don't handle this pace very well and warning signs always burn brightly in my mind when they start saying things like 'Oh, yes, you can edit the content yourselves - well, some of it - actually, only the really templated stuff'. We've been singed before with outside providers not sharing files and ultimately the content becomes useless because we can't change it, they disappear off the face of the earth, or demand some ridiculous fee to hand over the goods.

As I went on to explain the complexities of Flash to the management team, covering interface design, creativity, graphic design and actionscripting, I was horrified to hear them say, 'But we can just send a few people to a course, can't we?'

I shuddered on the inside.

Disturbing Comment #2
Perusing a Web Standards digest yesterday, I came across a thread concerning the take-up of Web Standards in relation to job-ads. The conversation was around the fact that either employers don't know about Web Standards and so promoting yourself as WS developer doesn't get you very far, or Companies that understand the importance of WS have given up expecting recruits to have this knowledge and are resigned to be expecting to train them in-house.

One reply in this thread bemoaned that 'all employers want is that you know Dreamweaver, and Dreamweaver spits out completely bad and invalid code, so we shouldn't be using it, and why can't employers realise this '.

Clearly, this person doesn't know Dreamweaver like I know Dreamweaver.

DW does not do this. Any program that generates code for you is going to need a little tweaking but really, the tweaking involved here is so minimal it adds nothing to my development time. I set it to produce XHTML and most of the internal checking is done for me. I set up my style sheets and validate them and off I go. No fuss. Most pages validate first go with the W3C validator, and if not, it's usually because I've done something silly.

People who make these comments don't seem to understand that you have complete control over the code in DW - you can work in a split screen mode or All code mode or Design mode; whichever you choose.

Yes, your Auntie Flo might use DW for the local Lawn Bowls Homepage and all she ever looks at is Design Mode (though at the price she's more likely to FrontPaging) and so the code is never massaged; but don't underestimate the power of this application in the hands of a true HTML'er - it boosts productivity and makes site management easy.

You go, good thang.

Fabulous Fangs for FireFox

This looks mighty interesting - a screenreader simulator extension for FireFox. Not meant to replace testing in the real thing (eg Jaws) but it's pretty nifty.

Fangs for Firefox

no razzle no dazzle, just keep to the left

Imagine if every web page you visited looked exactly the same, whether it was an application, a banking site, a news site or a knowledge site. Imagine if you had to visit these same sites every day, all day.

When one of these sites wanted to hold your attention, show you something new, teach you a new trick, how would they perk up your brain to say ' Hey now. That's different, that looks interesting. I'm going to enjoy this experience'?

Intranet Dependence
A company Intranet is a controlled Web space. A large Intranet can contain vast screeds of information all interlinking, mixed with user applications for payroll, people management tools with in-house systems, product information and corporate communications - and training. Workers become dependent on the Intranet to perform everyday tasks and so they sit looking at it every day, all day.

In the past, the Intranet where I work was sprawling and lacked control; individuals developed sites for different Business Units, and many small groups. Some were colorful to say the least, some inventive and some extremely professional. Unfortunately people with no design, usability or otherwise training ran amok.


Oh Intranet, Wherefore Am I?
And then Big Brother stepped in. Now all sites are controlled by way of a central developer tool (which we all hate) and forced templates. In many ways this is a good thing. There is standardisation, there are content publishing rules and the organisation can feel more secure about what is 'out there'. On the downside there is a distinct lack of 'brand' in the sense that everywhere you go looks exactly the same; there is a 'transparency' between sites - it's very difficult to orientate yourself to where you are in the mass of sites that form the Intranet as a whole.

You Are Here?
There are only a few visual clues that assist you to realise when you have changed from one site to another rather than simply from one page to another within the same site (they don't allow new windows or popups). One clue is template color however there are only 4 template color schemes allowed in the publishing tool and 3 are unattractive. Most developers choose the same color template (mid blue) as it is the most pleasing to the eye. Other clues include breadcrumb trails and banner site titles but as these are visually identical in every site, they do not work.

Variation in content display is discouraged and if you try anything different the opinion is that you are 'showing off'. They actually don't want people to be creative. Yet, it's only creativity that will assist in orientating the site visitor within this environment of sameness. That doesn't mean a plethora of dancing frogs either.

No Climbing the Trees
Although the old Intranet had it's problems, most people did not have trouble with orientation; they had difficulties finding information but factors affecting that included inefficient search engines and no metadata. It seemed easier to see how one site related to another as they had different 'personalities' or flavours and either lived on seperate servers or on seperate directories; looking at the URL gave you clues to where you were. Now sites seem to float in a void - they all have seperate URLs, every single one - there's no backtracking up the tree.

Time to Sparkle
Slip into the mix of Intranet content a large dose of eLearning. The big brother approach is to make that look exactly like the rest of the Intranet because 'users don't like to have to think'. Excuse me but isn't that actually what we want them to do when in training? Don't we want to snap them out of the everyday and perk them up into a different state of mind?

"Now it's training time! See the interesting things we have to show you? Doesn't it look inviting and different to what you stare at all day long? Don't you feel valued that we have gone to so much trouble to create a module that looks pleasant, vibrant and fun enough to help you absorb all the information we want to shove at you?

Queer Eye for the Intranet Guy
"Oh but users don't want different navigation methods. And we need to make it all the same so they know exactly what's an instruction and what's an important note and what's a learning check question and what's a top of page arrow"

[Carson] Ever heard of CSS people? [/Carson]

Unfortunately, most of the Intranet big whigs don't understand CSS. They don't understand its relationship with content and presentaton. They haven't twigged to the fact that all the elements of any page can be structured exactly the same but presented in different 'skins'. One guy was even trying to get us to 'register' our style sheets with a central body so they could check them for accessibility issues. Pardon moi? That's like reviewing a recipe to decide what the cake tastes like!


Smack in the Face with a Wet Fish
I have developed a multitude of online modules that presentationally all look entirely different; different color shemes, different text areas, different buttons and banners. Look closely however and you will see that they are all actually functionally the same. Navigational elements and methodologies are identical.

The learner knows what to do without instructions as far as getting around goes, however the visual 'smack in the face with a wet fish' makes them sit up and prepare themselves for a new experience - they are automatically encouraged into learning mode.

So, away with thee harbingers of creativity doom and get thee to a nunnery. Tend to thy Intranet if must be but keep thy sticky fingers out of my elearning pie and free the workers!

speakeasy - the accessibility of language

It's funny when you are thinking about something one day and it becomes reality, or at least springs into focus, the next.

There has recently been a changing of the guard in my place of employment that I haven't quite liked. A new broom can be a good thing but when that broom brings all its little dustpans and mops (aka a personal posse) along with it, it can be disconcerting. I think, 'Hey, whoa there, hang on a minute; what just happened?'. Suddenly, it seems that that everyone around me is walking the new walk and talking the new talk and I feel left behind or 'out of step'. But deep down I have a suspicion that much of it is for show; they are afraid that if they don't take on the 'new culture' that they will be discarded.

managerial jargonism
The other day I listened (accidentally of course; I had nowhere else to go) to a phone conversation that one of the mops was having with some of my team members. This person's entire conversation was smattered with managerial new-age jargon and I found myself screaming, 'Just talk plain English why dontcha!'.

Luckily I was only screaming on the inside.

Eventually I couldn't stand it any longer and stuck my earphones in as far as they would go and let the music drown out the drivel.

It's all about 'committing to outcomes', 'being comfortable in your space', 'developing strategies to move forward' and 'taking responsibility for value-adding to the workspace'. Aaargh!

chunking down not dumbing down
I spend my days turning technical, legal and business mumbo jumbo into chunks of easily digestable information that my audience can swallow. In one sitting. They don't have time to read and re-read details so it has to be in a format that is instantly understandable and clear. So why is management feeding back this corporate gobbledegook that means little and acts as a coverall for their (hidden) agenda? I don't respect it and I don't respect them for forcing it upon us.

weasel words
And then yesterday I read a book that delighted me. Death Sentence by Don Watson exposes these 'Weasel Words' as nothing more than a sort of slang that has seeped down from politicians to everyday language use. He expounds that we shouldn't be accepting it. We should fight it off - on the beaches and off - and question its use.

accessible language
This led me to thinking about the accessibility of common language. By using this twaddle aren't we actually disadvantaging our readers? If it becomes harder to understand the written or spoken word, is it not making our content less accessible? Of course!

This quote as stated in the book is from the Human Rights Commission:

Language is a key issue of access for people from a non-English speaking culture. It affects the individual's ability to access and use services and their knowledge of services.

From my experience, I would extend this to all individuals, especially when you are trying to teach something; clinging to some expectation that the bigger, more corporate-sounding a sentence is the better, only results in muddled meanings.

the language of cliche
Here's an example from Don's book:

Given the within year and budget time flexibility accorded to the science agencies in the determination of resource allocation from within their global budget, a multi-parameter approach to maintaining the agencies budgets in real terms is not appropriate.

Hmm. Yes. I see... And another for good measure:

Teamwork is critical to effective continuous improvement and standardization. Individuals can support the team by taking responsibility for the successes of the team following through on commitments, contributing to discussions, actively listening to others, getting your message across clearly, giving useful feedback, accepting feedback easily.

It's the language of cliche and doesn't really say a whole lot, does it?

Let's factor in plain speaking and clarity of meaning when we talk about accessibility, and not just Web Standards and validation, alright mate?

bagging dreamweaver - just don't

Nice article by Eric Meyer that explains the mysteries of collapsing margins in CSS.

Now, on to today's rant. I get a bit miffed when people bag Dreamweaver as though it was beneath them to even touch such a heinous beast; as though it was a badge of honour to handcode. Yeah, verily though shalt write the code and all of the code. All I can think is that these people have way too much time on their hands or only manage a site or two at a time.

I am completely all for handcoding and in fact that's what I started doing before WYSIWYG editors came up to scratch, and haven't really stopped since. If you don't know the code you can't fiddle with it successfully and heck, often it is faster to delve in and sort it out rather than selecting from menus. Don't just rely on your editor, whichever one you may use.

What I don't get it is there is a lack of understanding about how DW works. You actually get a choice of viewing your stuff in Design View or Code View, and hey, guess what? You can view and edit in both at the same time! Amazing. So, for beginners, Design View might get them started but for hardcore handcoders, it speeds up your development time being able to jump in and out of both views with nary a fuss.

It's extra cheese when you manage huge sites of more than 100 pages, or multiple sites.

In my case, I develop online learning modules which I've set up in a hierarchical structure - each new module links up the tree to common images and styles, while having it's own img directory. DW's site management features make maintaining these a breeze - hundreds of pages that I can update at the touch of button with no databases or backend in sight.

In the past, CSS was a bit of bugbear with DW in that it did not render it correctly in Design View but in MX with DesignTime stylesheets this was alleviated somewhat. With MX 2004 the problems are much fewer. I tend to write my CSS by hand but still within the DW environment - mainly because I like doing it and I don't lose the skills.

Other benefits of using DW can be seen when you have to convert existing stuff to XHTML and Standards compliance. DW does the chunky conversion part for you, and then you can clean up missing alt tags etc by using the W3C validator. It's a relatively easy process and one I just did for a module with over 100 pages. Using DWs advanced Search and Replace functionality made it a cinch to catch all the little errors and mass update them in one fell swoop.

Time is of the essence and another nifty feature that keeps you rolling along is the fact that you can edit images and Flash content directly from DW. Select an image and click Edit with Fireworks and the original PNG opens before your very eyes; do your thang and click Done and the image is updated in DW; the same applies for Flash objects. You probably wouldn't think such a thing would reduce working time by much, but it does - truly!

So I guess you can tell I love Dreamweaver. I pretty much love all my Macromedia products and with increased support for Accessibility and Standards in each new version, things can only get better.

My advice to any newbie is to learn the code as this gives you the ability to use the full throttle power of the beast that is... Dreamweaver!

the perfect job

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away I won an award for my personal homepage.

It was a rather glamourous award, presented by Telstra and the Australian Financial Review. It's sitting here on my desk with me now. A big glass bauble thing with gold WWW letters circling the orb. It's also very dusty. Well, it is heavy and it's not as though I ogle it every morning.

To this day, I still wonder how on earth I managed to win it. I mean, my site wasn't anything spectacular (although it was fairly unusual back in 1998). I'm convinced that the judges (of whom there was quite a selection of industry big wigs) picked up on my attempt to create a community feeling, and that was back in the days before 'sense of community' became a byword.

My aim was to create a site that explained the ins and outs of HTML and Web Design in a plain speaking, simple to understand way. At the time, sites with a similar purpose were fairly dry and technical.

To make it seem personal, I created a character and a theme and continued this throughout the site, as though she was always watching, always thinking of the audience. She had a fun attitude and she wasn't afraid to show her mistakes as examples of what not to do.

In a way it's funny, because achieving that award got me into the company I now work for. The short version is that someone who knew someone knew that I was looking for a job, and that someone contacted someone who rang me. As soon as he heard about the award, he said, 'Oh, you're xxxx! I know that site - you're hired!' Now, first off, I thought this guy was a fruitcake; fancy hiring someone over the phone!

And it's funny that the transition has come full circle in a way; I started off writing online to teach people and to share my knowledge and now I do the same thing, but on a larger scale, by developing elearning modules and mentoring others to do the same. I write, I edit, design, and build using XHTML, CSS and Standards. I also do all the graphics and animations (Flash). Best of all, people leave me alone to get it done because they trust me and my skills.

I always feel blessed to be doing what I love to do. I never tire of it even though it's tough sometimes to keep up with this ever-changing industry; there's always so much to read and learn.

It's my perfect job - What's your's?

listening to websites

Just read this great article on Observing Users Who Listen to Websites.

In a nutshell:

• Screen reader users scan with their ears; they are just as impatient as the rest of us who visually scan pages
• They listen to links; make them meaningful
• They jump directly to [properly coded] headings
• They want to skip to the main content and bypass navigation; if they understand what the skip links mean
• They hear acronyms and abbreviations as words; if they are not marked up correctly.

"Accessibility is not the same as usability. A site is not really accessible if it is not also usable."

wmode woes

Developing for an IE only user-base can have its upside; you can take advantage of some specific features which are not always available in other browsers, such as the Wmode Flash parameter.
Unfortunately, I've come across some accessibility issues using this handy doovy, which allows the Flash movie to sit transparently on the page, particulary useful with layers (or flyout menus), which are then not obscured, or simply to let the background of the page show through (no color matching issues).

In effect, both Wmode Transparent and Opaque not only render the Flash movie invisible to screenreaders but also remove it from the tab order of the page, even though it still appears. For sighted users who interact with the keyboard, this means that tabbing bypasses the movie - unless they actually click on it with the mouse, which kind of defeats the idea of accessibility.

I had thought that putting focus onto the movie using javascript might help but it doesn't seem to work.

So, ditch this parameter unless your Flash is purely decorative or you are providing alternative content. If there are layering issues with pop-ups etc, then consider opening the Flash in a separate layer or window.

I'm still investigating, but so far this seems to be the lay of the land.

On the otherhand, if you actually DO want to keep Flash content hidden from screenreaders, this could be a possibility...

• WebAIM article on Flash Accessibility
• CommunityMX article on Flash, DHTML menus and Accessibility

desperately seeking standards

Yesterday, at the last minute, I was invited to attend an Accessibility Risk Management Assessment workshop. Sounds like fun, doesn't it. Considering that it was a 5 hour phone hookup...

Actually, I really enjoy the working side of implementing Accessibility features and Web Standards - I'm not much of a one for committee meetings and yabbering on about process etc. But it was nice to be asked.

And why was I asked? Well, it seems that in the enormous company that I work for, I'm the only elearning developer who has bothered doing anything about this side of our work.

We have an inhouse development tool that was designed as a simple no-brainer interface for anyone who wants to put together some content and turn it into an online module. The problem with it though, is that it turns out code that is all over the place and doesn't comply to many Web Standards or allow any tweaking to make it accessible. The menus can't even be tabbed to as they are script driven.

There's also the issue of 'anyone can do it' so anyone does, and these people have no background in online or elearning development and to make it worse, are not given any training or guidelines. It's like letting kids loose in a sweet shop - they go mad.

I hate that tool. I hate it with a vengeance. So, being the rebel that I am, I continue to use my trusty Dreamweaver and Flash. To make myself feel righteous, I mean, to do the right thing, I have completely reworked my templates and rebuilt them in XHTML and filled them full of accessibility and standard goodies. And I've written a bunch of guidelines for the guys in my team based on these and my findings relating to how to implement them in our environment.

Even though the main templates use a frameset (yes, yes I don't want to hear about it - there are darn tootingly good reasons to do so; it's a corporate intranet and the learners are guided straight into the learning module and we don't want them to go anywhere else etc), its all been implemented correctly. We have visible and invisible skip links, we have alt tags, proper tabbing order, onclicks not mouseovers, print styles, ability to increase font size, accessible flash, careful naming of links and on and on...

So, in a way, I know what I'm talking about and can offer some advice, which is why I was asked.

I am a bit concerned about their approach however. The presentation pack was specifically titled 'making the intranet more accessible to visually impaired users'. Now, why target just this group in something could end up being a company wide initiative? And they didn't define 'visually impaired'. Are we talking blind, low vision, colour blind - what? How about staff that can't use a mouse? What about Web Standards to improve all those other things that it does affect - lower bandwidth, device independence, future-proofing? I think they need to get the definition of what they are aiming to do right,before they continue.

The other element they haven't really thought through properly is that the target audience needs to be defined for particular circumstances. My audience is front of house sales consultants who use a myriad of inhouse systems to deal with customer enquiries and product provisioning. Even though I have added things to my templates that would only benefit a blind person using a screenreader, in reality it would be extremely difficult for a blind person to fulfil this particular role simply due to the complex nature of these systems.

For a screenreader to assist such a person, it would take an awful long time just to handle one call, and call handling time is one of the drivers of company revenue - less time with the customer, more customers can be dealt with, therefore increased revenue. To go anywhere near making these systems themselves accessible would be out of the ballpark as far as cost and implementation. No matter how much we would like to go down this path, and have true equality for all, I can't see it happening. So, is it realistic to cater training that is specific to the consultant audience group, to blind people? We would not, for instance, design a car for a blind person, well, not unless we step into some sci-fi realm.

Can we accept that some jobs are unsuitable for some impairments? Not that impaired people are unsuitable for the job - it's not their limitations so much as the limitations of current systems and processes. On the otherhand, we do have extremely visually impaired or blind employees in other roles that suit them very well.

And now back to reading Designing with Web Standards by my old mate, Jeffrey Zeldman as I managed to pick up a really cheap copy on ebay!

poor bud

After my last post I suddenly realised that this situation is not entirely Bud's fault (a fictitious name by the way to protect Bud's real identity or, more to the point, to avoid me getting myself into trouble).

Being shy, I prefer to stay in the background with projects. Give me all the stuff and I will build it but keep me away from meetings and product managers and all that. 'Tis anathema to me. I don't need help and I don't ask for it.

And so, I can't really complain too loudly if Bud becomes the face of my work to the customer.

On the otherhand, if Bud was doing the right thing he would clearly explain what he actually did or did not do in the project lifecycle.

As long as someone, somewhere knows the painstaking detail I go to, then it's okay. So, I told my boss how I feel. I told him I don't need him to do anything about the situation, just to 'know' about it. I told him I was using him to get rid of my 'bad' feelings. I don't think he minds being used.

I can only conclude that Bud needs to take the credit to make himself feel better. Bud must be lacking in self-confidence or need to cling to what others do to feel justified. Or something like that.

In a way, I feel sorry for Bud even though he makes me mad. I wouldn't want to go through life feeling like that. Bud is poor indeed.

Kicking Bud

I know I'm meant to be grown up but I'm a shy kinda grrl and sometimes it's hard to stand up for myself. In particular with a certain person at work.

I work hard (don't play hard) and treat each project I'm given like a special child; I plan it, design it, develop it and release it to the wild with hands clasped in anticipation of its success.

So when someone else continually takes the credit after minimum input, it's hard to take. This person says 'Don't we make a great team?' and I feel like saying 'Team? Waddya mean team, I do all the work around here Bud!'

Bud gives me some starter content.
I restructure it and rewrite it
I research and add to it
I check each detail for accuracy
I design the interface
I set up the structure
I write the CSS and XHTML and validate it
I add all the accessibility stuff
I do the graphics
I do the Flash animations and interactions
I do the testing and testing and testing
I set it up in the LMS

Bud greets the clients and says 'Yes, thank you, it is wonderful isn't it - oh and don't forget to thank my associate - she did help you know...'

I could kick Bud.

But I know I won't.

boy gone

I've been online for about 4 hours now - that's the longest in ages, but it's great. I feel in control again; I feel like getting things done and putting everything in order. I know it's because the Boy has finally gone home.

You might notice that there has been a distinct lack of activity in this blog. I had grand plans for it to be a chronicle of 'adventures with Boy', but it didn't turn out like that. The whole Boy experience was so wearying that it bleached the zestiness right out of me. Surprisingly.

Although I never thought that his stay with us was going to result in a Holy Grail moment on a mountain top complete with blinding white light and heavenly choir where the child cries,"I see the light! And now I shall be good forever...!" I did expect more of the situation.

But, in rationalising the why's of his behaviour it's not a disappointment. How can you eclipse ten years of bad treatment in six months? You can't. You certainly can't when the driving force behind his way of thinking is his mother, who even now still believes that he is at fault; that he has some mental disorder. You can tell that she wants to be told 'there's something wrong with him' as this would make it easier for her to cope. I can understand that but to not even try to get your own child back; to show little interest in him as a person.

And now she is saying that she won't change his name (he has her maiden name) to that of his family because it would be sad to have the xxxx name disappear. Methinks the lady needs to re-examine her priorities.

And so, he has gone home. There was no point in keeping him here when his heart was pining for his mum - we were after all only a gap filler providing time for them to regroup and get counselling; get local assistance; work out a plan. They didn't of course.

In the meantime, we worked hard to make him feel safe and accepted; to fill him full of peace and comfort and good thoughts - as well as setting down standards and sticking to our guns and dishing out 'consequences' when he left the path. In the end, though, I think he began to resent us for keeping him. You could tell he was thinking, 'Why aren't they asking me to come home?'

I knew then that it was time - there was nothing to gain from him staying on and they had to take back responsibility for his life, for the rest of his life.

That's why I'm back. I have my life, my space, my home and my family again. The internal turmoil that became so externalised has evaporated in his wake.

I feel for him, but selfishly I'm released.

not much to show for a life

It's been a tough weekend.

The boy's grandfather died suddenly and we had the duty of having to tell him. This was made more difficult by the fact that he hadn't seen his grandfather for some time.

He'd been living at the boys home but was deeply depressed and alcoholic to some extent, and the boy and he clashed so much that they had to be kept apart.

This man had been a member of the police force, and was perhaps late 50s or 60-ish, but had only found out in recent times that he was adopted. This rocked him substantially. He must have discovered this through his 'mother' who has become senile in her old age and perhaps let this slip at some point. I'm not sure of all the details.

Anyway, he'd taken off, as he had done many times in the past. He was living in a caravan park a few hours drive away, estranged from the family. It seems he had been ill for some time, but suddenly had a massive heart attack on Sunday. They kept him on life support just long enough for his daughter (the boy's mum) to get there and say goodbye.

I don't know what she thought as there is so much resentment built up over years of this man's unfatherly behaviour.

Apparently his caravan was squalid, with nothing to show for a life - a small suitcase of belongings, and the rest was only fit to be tipped out.

What a sad way to leave this planet. Alone, unworthy, hadn't even seen his daughter's brand new baby, his latest grandson.

And then for us to have to tell the boy, who said, "Good, serves him right for drinking so much." He had a smirk on his face, but I just looked at him and said, "No. No-one deserves to be ill and die all alone," and the smirk quickly vanished.

He sobered then and we talked once more about forgiveness. About not letting evil sores eat away at yourself because of what other people have done. We prayed for his grandfather and his mother and talked about the security and eternal hope that we have in God. Death doesn't have power over us, even though it is sad.

I think he understood and felt better.

I'm hoping that this is a real wake up call to his mum and stepdad, that life is short and precious. They need to start thinking about what they will leave behind, what their legacy to their kids will be. Will it just be a suitcase of worthless belongings or will it be a family that is strong and healthy and experiences love every day?

ten rules of boy

1. You will never tire of hearing "What's for breakfast?" or "What's for dessert?" Never. It's up there with "I'm bored, what can I do?"

2. It will take at least 3 occurrences of the dreaded 'white snow in the laundry' before checking pockets for tissues becomes an ingrained behaviour.

3. The lilting, inflected refrain of "awwwwuuwwwww" becomes music to your ears - really.

4. In the abscence of the magical Doona (see Bedtime for Boy), the nearest thing to hand appears to offer the same level of protection to small boys. Wrapping oneself in a beach towel and subsequently rolling under the bed apparently results in a similar invisibility status to said Doona.

5. Boys appear to have genius-level mathematical prowess when it comes to measurements and timeframes. They can spot a miniscule descrepancy in allotted portions at fifty paces to the tune of 'she's got more than me', or 'everyone else is allowed in the shower longer than me', accompanied by the lovingly familiar "aaaaaaawwwwwwuuuuw."

6. "Don't run" is a redundant turn of phrase. Although you will say it every five seconds, there is only one gear and it isn't 'slow.'

7. Never expound on your culinary prowess: 'Thai basil chicken in coconut milk with basmati' is clearly yukky. The same dish labelled 'Chicken and rice' is obviously far more yummy and entirely different.

8. Tomatoes and mushrooms are evil and will cause an agonising death to the boy if he so much as has to look at them. Never mind that you hide them in just about everything you cook and no-one is the wiser.

9. The football scarf and hat should have been warning enough - expect to lose control of the television remote on friday nights.

10. How the apple juice got into the bowl of breakfast cereal is certainly a mystery and one that the boy thinks should be investigated at the highest level, as he sits with that wide-eyed look that you just know isn't quite as innocent as it appears...

pfaffing about

It's amazing how much all this 're-parenting' tires you out. Mentally, I'm a wet dish rag and getting up each morning gets harder and harder. At the moment, I'm running about an hour behind my usual schedule and getting into work at 9 instead of 8.

Partly because the boy takes so much effort to get parcelled into bed at night. He pops in and out more often than I can keep track of - I call it 'pfaffing about.' He's the king of pfaffing, and tries to stretch each minute out with the flimsiest of excuses:

"I'm thirsty."

"I've got a headache."

"I need to set my alarm."

"I don't want that music, I want the other one."

" I just need to get my A B or C..."

For crying out loud. By the time I sit down at night it's 9.30pm and I've missed all my favorite programs so I end up watching rubbish just to unwind. Then I sit up too late - usually I'm in bed at 9.30 and up early in the a.m.

Then there's the mental exercises you have to constantly engage in just to stay 2 steps ahead of whatever he is up to. You've got to be able to anticipate what his next move will be or what his reaction to something you are going to say will be, and how you can minimise it.

Not to mention the repetitive nature of most conversations:

"Please don't run."
"Go and brush your teeth."
"Pick that up."
"Finish your dinner."
"Do your homework."
"Please don't hit X."
"Put the cat down."
"Please don't fart at the table."
"Or burp."
"Please use your fork and don't lick the plate."
"That's rude - please put it away."
"GO TO SLEEP!"

My girl is like a ghost in the background sometimes as he unwittingly gets most of the attention. She was never like this and it makes me so grateful for her presence. I tell her often how much I love her.

If only the boy had the same love to go home to he could leave. But he doesn't and he can't.

touching the raw

Lordy, what a night it was last night.

Another hissyfit but with outstanding results, if I can phrase it like that. Once again, a tiny, insignificant thing set the boy off - we asked him to pick a small piece of paper off the floor.

"It's not mine, I didn't put it there!", he yelled.

And he was off. Who knows what he was thinking at the time, but as mentioned previously, he has issues with blame. He can't accept blame for anything but I think this is part of his defence system where he anticipates 'bad stuff.'

Anyway, there he was on his bed, crammed into the corner facing the wall and doing the usual routine. At first, I stood over him and, raising my voice just slightly, told him that he really had no reason to treat us this way. That it is completely unfair. That he had nothing to fear with us. I'm determined not to yell at him as I know that sets him off even worse. This is a great lesson in self control if nothing else!

He was actually listening so I took it further and sat on the floor next to the bed, lowering my voice and just talking, talking, talking. I can't remember what started the turn in conversation, but suddenly he was talking about his biological dad.

I can see that underneath his blustering and noise and rudeness, the boy has been deeply hurt by that man. We talked about forgiveness and he shook his head.

"No, I can't forgive him."

"Why? Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, you don't wanna know."

"What do you mean? I don't want to know about Fred (an alias)? What did he do?"

"You don't want to know what he did."

I spoke softly. "Do you want to tell me?"

He shakes his head and his bottom lip is trembling. At this point I am crying. He says I don't really care and I show him my tears. We hug with real emotion and I tell him that I understand. I understand why he is like he is, and it's okay. I ask him if he believes that things will work out.

"Not really."

"Yes, they will, but you have to believe it. Believe in your heart. I know it's like you are full of gunk right now, but bit by bit it will come out."

He nods and I tell him I love him. He's tired now, and so am I. I feel exhausted.

I give him my old childhood teddybear, which he knows is special to me, and ask him to look after it for the night. He snuggles down and is at peace.

I go to bed wondering what Fred has done and I am afraid.

101 knots for boys

I've noticed that the boy does NOT like to be hit, tapped or biffed in any way unless he is absolutely sure you are playing a game with him.

On the otherhand he is a dab hand at headbutting you in the guts if you are not looking. The man of the house was encouraging this as a blokey bloke thing but I've had to put a stop to it pretty quick smart. Turns out the boy was running up to our girl at school lunchtimes and giving her a quick headbut when she wasn't looking. I told her if he didn't stop as requested that she was quite entitled to push him over. All has been quiet on the western front so far...

If you do happen to tap him for some reason he immediately thinks he is under threat and whips round on you like a small terrier, teeth snapping, "Don't hit me!"

My mind has gone back to something I said to him early on in this jolly escapade, when he was playing up somewhat (at the time his head was in the corner and he was in a mood):

"You need to think about what is the worst thing that can happen to you if you're naughty. We aren't going to smack you because I think you are too big for smacking."

He turned around in tears and said, "Well you tell that to my Mummy..." in a distressed tone.

And he has mentioned being 'hit' at other times.

Let's face it, we've all smacked our kids at times, but it sounds like this was more heavy duty as he's quite traumatised by it.

So now he's built up this wall about any kind of physical contact other than a hug, although it's interesting to note that he shuns affection in times of distress. He also gets quite thingy when you try to dust him down before school, or fix his collar. So I think all this is a form of self-protection - again, he's preparing for an attack and getting ready to defend himself.

I need to talk to him about this.

Although I hate these little tantrums, I have to admit that they are opportunities for discussion and helping to think about problems in a healthy environment, something he has not been able to do at home.

So many knots to undo, so little time...

noticed: The moral decay of Australia, transcript of a speech by Peter Costello on our National Day of Thanksgiving

the showmedamoney code

Just finished The DaVinci code and honestly am wondering what all the hype was about.

It seems to me that more and more books are being written as screenplays. See Matthew Reilly's works that simply ooze Sylvester Stallone or good old Arny.

It's easy to see how this would translate into a blockbuster without any tweaking. Unfortunately although I can't blame authors when there is so much money to be had (ala Ms Rowling), I think some of the art of storywriting has been lost along the way. It's predictable in places and the ending is definitely flat.

Being what I like to term as a bit of a God Botherer, I was ready for a challenge but there is none - factually there are as many holes in this book's premise as an old poncho and they have been addressed elsewhere. There's nothing in this to shake an apple tree, never mind one's faith (no pun intended to those who have already read it).

However, it was an interesting read by the fire on a cold winter's day so I'm not complaining.

So, now that I am nearly finished a borrowed book - Almost French - I am feeling that familiar wandering booklust again. I must have a book, or 2 or 3, in hand or I get restless. At which point I shuffle the books in my shelf, which have all been read over and over, and pull out an old faithful until I can get me to a library (or that second hand bookshop where I can get good books but the little man behind the counter is oddly odd and gives me the shivers).

I have Campbell's Kingdom as a stop gap, but am nearly finished that as well. Oh my!

badly drawn boy

Something I've discovered in all this is that the boy anticipates.

This is why it's now easy to understand more about the way he is behaving.

When he goes off his tree, he really goes WAY off. He becomes evil child with shades of Linda Blair. Scary. And most of the time there seems to be no reason, or whatever has happened is so trivial that we are left with our gobs hanging open at the aftermath.

'What is wrong with that boy!'

How scary? Well, there's the evil eye he gives you for a start. Then the hateful things he says. If you're lucky, there's a bit of wall-bashing (or head bashing if he's really in the vibe), toy-throwing, shelf-clearing and fingers stuffed into ears. If attempting to be extra annoying he hums loudly and rolls under his quilt, all the way under the bed.

Oh what jolly fun.

Yet, now I can clearly see that whatever triggers an episode, is not the real cause of the behaviour. He's anticipating being treated badly. He's drawing a picture in his mind of events that he truly believes are about to happen.

So, before you can assure him or explain the situation, or give him choices, his mind has already accepted bad stuff and he is living through it because of past experiences that he couldn't handle.

This is severe rejection. This is very psychological, and actually very perceptive of him when you think about it. It's his method of self-protection when he feels he is losing control, whether that is real or perceived.

What's to be done? This is all about unraveling a systematically learned behaviour and response system that, for him, works in some way that shields him from the worst he thinks can happen. It's going to be hard to pry that away from him, like Linus's blanket in Charlie Brown. Remember when the blanket was due for a wash and Linus shook with withdrawal symptoms?

What we have to do is to replace this blanket with another one that is more socially acceptable and serves him better for the future. We have to take away the insecurity and replace it with security. He needs to get to a point where he can be scolded or blamed for something and his inner calm and feelings of being wanted are not compromised in any way.

At the moment, any small pebble thrown into his pond of self-worth causes a tidal wave instead of a minor ripple. He goes into shutdown mode instantly and automatically.

Although all this came to me a few days ago, it really sank in last night when I was talking to him about how he acts when he's in the 'blackhole', as well call it to help him to talk about all this more easily - we're defining the indefinable for him.

I described one of his typical illogicisms:

"Please get dressed"

"No"

(after some time when one realises one is getting no where)

"If you don't get dressed, we won't be able to take you to XXX on Saturday. You know how this works"

"Awwww"

"Do you want to go to XXX?"

"Yes"

"Then get dressed"

"No"

"Then no XX..."

"Aww, that's not fair"

"Then get dressed"

"No"

When I described this to him last night, he just looked at me and said, "But that's silly, it makes no sense."

"Exactly." I said.

It was another light bulb over my head incident where I suddenly realised that he is completely detached from logic when in the blackhole. In a sense he is not responsible for his actions. This makes it more clear that my strategies for dealing with him are correct - the walkaway is the right thing to do in most cases.

It's horse-whispering for kids. I'll explain it later.

The boy and I are going out...

prodigal son

Boy was listening to a kid's story on CD which happened to be the parable of The Prodigal Son.

Boy said, "I love this story, it's the best one in the Bible."

"Why? Why do you like it so much?"

"I dunno. I just do."

"Do you think it relates to you? Reminds you of you?"

"Nup. Well... yes"

"Why?"

"Because I ran away too."

"Why did you run away?"

"I dunno... (much quieter) because Mummy yelled at me."

"That's no good. What else?"

"Because Mummy hit me. And Dad hit me... And sometimes I went to bed with no dinner... And went to school with no breakfast..."

His eyes glistened in the weak light of the bedside lamp.

"Well, you know, that's terrible. Sometimes people do things because that's all they know how to do. They just don't know any better. This doesn't mean Mummy and Daddy don't love you, because they do. They just get so frustrated at not being able to deal with you that they yell at you. It's not all your fault"

He nods.

"You know, this is part of why you are here with us - to help you deal with things and help Mum and Dad to deal with things. It's not easy to change but we can, we can all change. We just have to try. It's not like magic where it happens instantly, it takes time."

Boy nods again.

"We love you and we're here to help, okay?"

Okay.

This conversation confirms something I promised myself after one outburst a few weeks ago - I determined never to use a basic human requirement such as food as a bargaining point or a punishment. Extras like icecream, sweets and dessert sure, as they are 'special' and shouldn't be taken for granted. But never dinner, supper or breakfast.

This is part of his ingrained insecurity - he feels sure that misbehaviour will result in something foundational, like food, will be taken away, and in some reverse psychological way, he accepts it before it happens and then anticipates it and so feeds his own anger and sense of non-importance.

The reality is, in this case the parents are prodigal - rashly wasting their son's life...

It won't happen again.

bedtime for boy

Small boys are a dangerous breed and must be handled with care. There comes a time, however, when battle lines must be drawn, usually at bedtime...

1. The contest will always begin with your opponent saying NO. It doesn't matter what they are saying NO to, in fact, it will probably be to something quite inconsequential

2. There is no limit to the number of times the word NO may be used. In fact, 'countless' comes to mind

3. Your opponent will believe in the mystical powers of Doona. They mistakenly believe that rolling up inside said doona means 'out of sight, out of mind' and grants them the power of invisibility (if you are not Australian, a Doona is a quilt)

4. Do not be fooled into thinking your opponent only has 2 arms. In the heat of battle, they suddenly grow an extra 3 or 4

5. Feet also count as arms

6. Beware of beds with many bars at either end - these will be drawn into the conflict and used with points (4) and (5) - extracting small hands from one bar only causes them to latch onto other bars in the near vicinity, making it impossible to place the small child in the correct sleeping position

7. Lest you should think you have won the war and leave the room, be prepared for subsequent wall bashing and henceforth entering into the fray once more

8. The small child will refuse to lie down and will attempt to remain in the upright position for the remainder of the evening. Sitting on them may produce favourable results

9. Do not be fooled into offering hugs and cuddles. This merely encourages your opponent to step up his assault with the NO word

10. At battle's end, your worthy opponent will immediately fall into a deep sleep. You, on the otherhand, will be up for hours and will suddenly develop a twitch...

a boy's story

So, what is the boy's story?

He's smart. Bouncing with energy. Has love to give. Good looking. An enquiring mind.

He's also full of fear and anticipates the worst. Convinced he is stupid and angry. Disrepectful of your efforts on his behalf. Selfish. Hyper at times.

What's his problem?

His 'real' dad can't be bothered to keep in touch and was never around from day one. I've heard the boy was left many times waiting by the window, refusing to go to bed in the vain hope that dad would turn up as he had promised. But no phone call to say he wasn't coming. How cruel. Not a real dad at all.

His mum and stepdad have not officially adopted the boy as biological dad wasn't prepared to fully let him go, like some possession to be bargained with. And so his name is different to everyone else's. He's proud of his name but at the same time it seems to be a chip on his shoulder.

His mum seems to resent him, maybe because he changed her life... but didn't she do that and not the boy? I've forgotten when I last saw her give him any real affection, or treat him as an intelligent individual. She speaks to him as though he was an annoyance. Obviously he's been a handful in the past, but equally obviously he has not been related to like a human being, his intelligence has gone unrecognised.

He's given 'chores' that to him are demeaning. Things you wouldn't normally ask a child to do. He gets no affection for performing these tasks and so they have become a weight on his shoulder. I avoid the chore word. I ask for his help instead.

She is lazy and doesn't seem to see the dirt on every surface. A child should have a clean and comfortable home, something to aspire to and learn to respect the world around him. He has none of this and respects very little as a consequence. True that her mother died when she was 16. True that her father is off the rails and she hasn't seen him in a while, and so she bad mouths him in front of the boy. She doesn't realise that he also has lost these people.

His stepdad has been dragged down by her slothfulness so that the two of them ooze depression and unhappiness like a fog that blocks out the light until you feel it creeping up on you. When they leave, you sigh in relief as the oppression lifts in their wake. The boy is living in this atmosphere and is clearly infested with the same sickness.

One day he couldn't cope with the feelings inside and had what can only be described as a breakdown. Ran away from 'home'. Can't say I blame him.

So, he's with us.

And what do we see? A small boy who wants genuine affection, security, to live without fear, to be certain of his boundaries. Who is already changing and responding to the calmness now around him.

Is there hope? Of course. I'll tell you why next time...

exit

Phew. How relieved do I feel today!

The boy has come back from the land of big bad things and is in fine form - almost angelic (well, he is a boy and let's not go too far...)

I was almost scared to go home yesterday in trepidation as to what sort of mood he would be in. But a fascinating thing happened.

During yesterday's episode we laid down the usual 'threats', if you like, regarding what would be taken away if things didn't stop spiralling down that dangerous path. He was putting in jeopardy a planned outing that evening; next to go was the PS2, then computer, then TV... It's a matter of sticking to your game plan and not wavering, even in the heat of battle. And remaining as neutral as possible "It's your choice. You are deciding that you don't want the outing, don't want PS2 etc."

Tough love to use the vernacular.

In this instance, nothing would make a difference. He was simply lost in the pit.

Now, we had used 'black hole' as an analogy for him to comprehend that we understood his difficulties in stopping himself from slipping away when he was angry, and that anger came out of deep-seated fear, insecurity, longing for acceptance and love. "Reach out when you start to fall", we said, "we're here to help you. Let us help you get out."

Yesterday, he fell too fast and couldn't do it.

Last night, even though he was aware of the consequences (how he hates that word) of his actions, he bucked about not being able to watch TV - the other stuff he could deal with. He stomped off to his room and gave us the evil eye and I drooped with weariness - "not again..."

But back he came, wavering on the edge - I could see - but he teetered to the right side and accepted his lot, more or less happily looking for other things to while away the evening.

Later, I said "Can I ask you a question? When you were angry and upset earlier, what made you stop?"

He looked up and answered, "I could see the exit sign. I saw the way out"

noticed: Design for the Usability Guy

rattled

I feel rattled this morning.

The boy had another hissyfit and he just wouldn't let go of his anger. When he's like this he is totally incommunicado - you can't reason with him as he will counter everything you say, even though his thoughts are clearly illogical. He hums to himself, puts his hands over his ears, wraps himself in his quilt and faces the wall.

It's distressing to see him so distressed and yet you know you just have to walk away. I try to give him some control by setting out the choices he can make and then making it clear that the decision is his.

It's a matter of taking away until he sees how bleak he's made his lot. Sometimes it works easily, sometimes he's just too far down that black hole and he can't reach up to save himself.

This morning was unsettling because there was no visible reason for his behaviour. He was rude and obnoxious, throwing things around his room and had to be carried to the car to be taken to school.

He completely lacks the skills to cope and is stuck with the social abilities of an unruly 6 year old, instead of being 10 and robust.

And yet yesterday he came home with a 'Student of the Week' Award and I was proud of him.

about a boy

I'm fostering the boy at the moment. I say 'I' as I feel most of the responsibility for decision making seems to be on my shoulders. It's a heavy load and uphill all the way, with small enlightenments.

How can a ten year old be so emotionally screwed up? How has he had the time to build such walls of defence? This boy has no sense of self-worth and is so insecure:

"I'm stupid"
"I'm an angry person"
"It's the way I am and I can't change"
"You're not my real family"

I could slap his stepdad. It's not all his fault, I know, but he should have known better. I mean, he was brought up in a good, morally sound family and yet he's so different to them - selfish, can't see past his own nose unless you point it out to him.

I can't ever remember him showing real love and affection to the boy.

It's a crime.